Rules Apply to Everyone, Not Just Mom

I realized, 25 years into marriage and having kids, that I let people unload on me too much and then I feel guilty for getting mad about it. I swallow too much and put up with too much. I don't tell people I've had enough until I'm too upset. I let the people I love get away with too much. Part of it is that even at 48, I'm still afraid to confront feelings. I'm afraid I'll drive people away.

I'm the parent--the one who has to stay glued when everything and everyone around me is coming unglued. I get that. I'm the adult. But I am not the only adult in this relationship. Sometimes I play the designated adult so that my husband can act childish. That's not good for him or for me. I want to say "grow up" and sometimes I can. But when he's in "that mood" I don't dare push the issue. He knows I won't. He knows that I know that if I do, I'll get punished with anger, pouting or verbal backlash.

We're moving into a more honest place. I'm learning to be honest and to say something before I'm really annoyed. He's learning to bite his tongue. That's always going to be tricky, though. He's had a lot of practice at spoiled brat behavior. He's gotten good and shooting off his mouth inside of biting his tongue and thinking through what he's going to say. And I've had a lot of practice at toughing it out when I should confront it. Fortunately, he's a kindly, loving, mostly-unselfish person. He's nice with unpleasant times, not the other way around. Otherwise, I couldn't (and wouldn't) take it.

I think that's the key to deciding if a relationship is worth keeping: is your S.O. mostly decent and loving with bad habits? Or is s/he mostly bad habits with a few positives? If it's the former, I say stick it out. None of us is perfect and we can't expect perfection from significant others. But if s/he is generally negative, unkind, rude, nasty, impossible to get along with, I don't think it's worth it.

No matter what, always speak your truth. Say what you need to. Be tactful as much as possible, but don't always mince words to protect the other. They may not get your meaning if you sugarcoat it too much. The person you are in a relationship is an adult and needs to be held accountable to act like one. You're not a parent, nor should you expect (or be expected) to be.

Serenity is Eluding Me

I'm trying to balance a number of equal and opposite demands and to achieve many competing goals. This is causing some friction emotionally. I'm trying to lose weight, but I'm also needing to work more. Being an online writer, this naturally requires that I work at a computer (aka sedentary).

Yes, I've seen the standing work station computer desks and the exercise machines with computer capabilities. Those are supposed to provide more exercise opportunities. However they are expensive (meaning I would have to work more). They also aren't conducive to the work I do. I might be able to answer a few emails or browse online, but I couldn't write extensively as I need to. So I'm consigned to a sedentary computer.

Yes, I should take more exercise breaks, but that, too, is easier said than done. Additionally, I'm take a weight loss supplement with caffeine. (Being unable to exercise as I need to, I'm having trouble losing weight). The supplement reduces hunger pangs and helps with weight loss, but it also makes me a little jittery. This affects my thinking, writing and typing. It also means I'm irritable which makes it difficult to meet the emotional health goals I've set for myself (anger management, self care, etc.) I've also quit antidepressants and while that's essentially very healthy, I miss the calming (and even emotionally numbing) effect Paxil had.

And it doesn't help being in a relationship where I'm the emotionally stronger of the two. I let myself be everyone's go-to gal. I feel obliged to be the rock of Gibraltar for too many people. I don't express frustration until it's at critical mass but I let everyone dump their assorted (tedious, petty, trivial) woes on me. My kids I expect to have this kind of relationship with. Other adults, no. It needs to be give and take and not one person doing the lion's share of either. Rereading this, I sound like a not-so-silent martyr and that annoys me. I feel shame for my negative attitude. That's what I mean about equal and opposing demands. Sometimes it seems like you can't win for losing. 

Progress (in a relatively upward pattern) not perfection

I have a personal list of about eight habits I'm working to correct. Stuff like losing weight, exercise more, freelance productivity, update blogs regularly, drink less wine (gasp! yes, my 4th step admission), have fewer temper tantrums, be nicer to myself, etc. I've made a mental rubric of these habits and rate myself periodically on my progress in each (daily rating would be ideal, but I'm not that organized). 1-needs improvement, 2-meh, 3-not bad, 4-high five, mama. I add up my points and if I got more than 50 percent (16) I count it a good day. Less than that and I file it as a  not-so-hot one (which we are all entitled to have). I then release it. No good using it to flog myself with. Then I give thanks to my higher power for allowing me the day to live. This slow-and-steady system has helped me gently make self-tweaks where needed. Progress, (generally upward) not perfection. That's me two years and 40 pounds heavier. I'm taking weight loss in bite-sized portions (pun intended). 

This too shall pass...

I've not seen "The Most Exotic Marigold Hotel" yet but I'm looking forward to it. One line caught my notice from the trailer. "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." Wise words (though spoken by a conniving sheister).

How often do I panic because I think now is forever? I forget that how things are now is not how they'll always be. I love the AA expression "this too shall pass." Sadly, few good things last forever, but happily neither do the sad things. I will be given the strength, wisdom I need when I need it. Not before or I might lose it. Not when it's too late and I don't need it anymore.

I'm going to concentrate on this eternal truth, just for today.  

One day at a time...sometimes one moment

My goal for 2012 is to learn to live one day, nay one moment, at a time. I'd really like to improve my skills at "carpe diem." If find it so easy to work compulsively, to the point that I can't relax and let go of the mountain of work that seems never to diminish. I thank God for the peace of mind that is helping me to let go of what I can't change. I don't worry about little things, but I do worry to much about things outside of my control. I'm hoping to find the Zen to let the universe unfold the way it will. "Desiderata" has never been my strong point...

Mommy Guilt--My Nemesis

Do you grapple with "mommy guilt?" You know, that nagging little voice in the back of your head that is never satisfied? That monkey on your back that damns you if you do and damns if you don't? Moms have an amazing capacity for guilt. If we make a nutritious, delicious meal for our family, we're beating ourselves up because we didn't get other work done. If we work late, we mentally whip ourselves for not playing with our kids more.

Listen girls, if you're a slave to your over-active conscience, let me tell you now: it's a lose-lose situation. Your inner taskmaster will never be satisfied. That's when you need to tell that little corporal to bugger off. If you burn a candle at both ends, you'll use it up four times as fast. Set goals, but don't always make them unattainable. I'm very guilt-prone. I know how it can plague. Guilt, to the point of scruples, has nearly driven me over the edge many times.

Please, learn to be nice to yourself. Don't count the things you didn't get done, count the things you did do. If you can't be nice to yourself for your sake, do it for your kids. Trust me--someday, you'll have to listen to your children agonize about what losers they are. It hurts. Like no one can convince you to be nice to yourself, you won't be able to convince them. And you'll think back and remember that it was you who taught them how to beat themselves up. So tell those voices I said to back off, huh? You're worth it.
Love, mar
P.S. (remember, I said there would be P.S.s) This goes for dads too. I should probably call it "parent guilt."