The value of complaining

I feel like this blog ends up sounding whiny. That's probably because I whine a lot. But a blog or journal is a great place to do it. Better than always sounding off to loved ones. But there are times when complaining is good. If frustrations get bottled up, they toxify. And when that happens to me, I boil over. It also seems that when I bite my tongue too much it's easy for family members to, well, let's just say, start expecting me to keep quiet about things. And that's not good. Especially when they are part of what sets me off. Or when they routinely vent their ire on me. And when they start taking mom's/wife's broad shoulders for granted. When I am too patient (not very often, but if I am), family tends to get comfortable with that. And they don't do things for themselves that they should be doing for themselves. Like self-care, self advocacy and problem solving. It becomes too easy to abuse my patience. Then when I'm not feeling patient or when I'm at low ebb myself, everyone is surprised and irritated that I've dropped the ball. I haven't dropped the ball, though. I've just stopped carrying for everyone else. I've put it back in the court in which it belongs. Being patient and long-suffering is good. We're commanded to be these things in the Bible. But being honest is important, too. And continually shouldering burdens for others that they should be shouldering themselves does no one any good. The trick is to figure out how and when to let go. Will they like it? Not usually. But they'll learn. The most important thing is doing what feels right to me. 

Rules Apply to Everyone, Not Just Mom

I realized, 25 years into marriage and having kids, that I let people unload on me too much and then I feel guilty for getting mad about it. I swallow too much and put up with too much. I don't tell people I've had enough until I'm too upset. I let the people I love get away with too much. Part of it is that even at 48, I'm still afraid to confront feelings. I'm afraid I'll drive people away.

I'm the parent--the one who has to stay glued when everything and everyone around me is coming unglued. I get that. I'm the adult. But I am not the only adult in this relationship. Sometimes I play the designated adult so that my husband can act childish. That's not good for him or for me. I want to say "grow up" and sometimes I can. But when he's in "that mood" I don't dare push the issue. He knows I won't. He knows that I know that if I do, I'll get punished with anger, pouting or verbal backlash.

We're moving into a more honest place. I'm learning to be honest and to say something before I'm really annoyed. He's learning to bite his tongue. That's always going to be tricky, though. He's had a lot of practice at spoiled brat behavior. He's gotten good and shooting off his mouth inside of biting his tongue and thinking through what he's going to say. And I've had a lot of practice at toughing it out when I should confront it. Fortunately, he's a kindly, loving, mostly-unselfish person. He's nice with unpleasant times, not the other way around. Otherwise, I couldn't (and wouldn't) take it.

I think that's the key to deciding if a relationship is worth keeping: is your S.O. mostly decent and loving with bad habits? Or is s/he mostly bad habits with a few positives? If it's the former, I say stick it out. None of us is perfect and we can't expect perfection from significant others. But if s/he is generally negative, unkind, rude, nasty, impossible to get along with, I don't think it's worth it.

No matter what, always speak your truth. Say what you need to. Be tactful as much as possible, but don't always mince words to protect the other. They may not get your meaning if you sugarcoat it too much. The person you are in a relationship is an adult and needs to be held accountable to act like one. You're not a parent, nor should you expect (or be expected) to be.