One of those days...

Did you ever have them? Sure you do. We all do. I'm having one of those days today. I'm crabby, tense and miserable. I see red doors and want to paint them black. Funny thing is, I've just had a lovely summer. The family is all good--healthy, growing and in happy places. Sure there are anxious situations like arthritis and allergy trouble, elephantine ER bills, mammoth tuition bills, choices and consequences, employment dilemmas, a friend to whom I'm confidante in an intolerable situation, etc. Husband is coming out of a decades-old bout of anger and bitterness. So I'm in a place where I'm less physically busy and more emotionally overworked. And there's a change of focus, of interaction and of communication patterns underway.

So what's the deal today? It's a holiday but feels more like a work day. We can't get our much-needed porch project done because it might rain. It will if we start it and won't if we don't. The husband and I would, of course, rather be playing. But the monkey on our backs tells us to get that porch done. And so, being the loving couple we are, we fight about it. I'm mostly serious. Serious that we are a loving couple and not so serious that being so means we fight. I tell myself all happy couples deal with stress by squabbling. But I think that's more misery loves company. Whatever I need to sleep at night, right?

And speaking of which, I'm not. I have sleep apnea which was in remission and which I stopped treating with the CPAP which was doing more harm than good. But it seems to be back now. I'm tired all the time and the dreaded depression which was so nicely manageable is also back and how. So I'm not all sure what's legit frustration with people, what's exhaustion and what's the emotional strain from everything.

I am pretty sure of a few things. 1) taking it to a blog is better than sharing on Facebook. Ain't nobody got time to listen to my whining and I'm not comfy airy dirty laundry even if they had. Been there done that and won't do again. 2) rainy days are heavier because the barometric pressure is lighter and makes me feel more dull and negative. 3) the full moon does really have an impact on emotions but I'm not sure what. 4) something is making me less patient, more irritable and
inclined to pick or engage in a quarrel. 5) I will not go on antidepressants again, period. 6) !!!this too shall pass!!! So we end with the GOOD NEWS!

Do you ever feel overwhelmed? If you feel comfortable sharing, you can comment in the box below.

Serenity is Eluding Me

I'm trying to balance a number of equal and opposite demands and to achieve many competing goals. This is causing some friction emotionally. I'm trying to lose weight, but I'm also needing to work more. Being an online writer, this naturally requires that I work at a computer (aka sedentary).

Yes, I've seen the standing work station computer desks and the exercise machines with computer capabilities. Those are supposed to provide more exercise opportunities. However they are expensive (meaning I would have to work more). They also aren't conducive to the work I do. I might be able to answer a few emails or browse online, but I couldn't write extensively as I need to. So I'm consigned to a sedentary computer.

Yes, I should take more exercise breaks, but that, too, is easier said than done. Additionally, I'm take a weight loss supplement with caffeine. (Being unable to exercise as I need to, I'm having trouble losing weight). The supplement reduces hunger pangs and helps with weight loss, but it also makes me a little jittery. This affects my thinking, writing and typing. It also means I'm irritable which makes it difficult to meet the emotional health goals I've set for myself (anger management, self care, etc.) I've also quit antidepressants and while that's essentially very healthy, I miss the calming (and even emotionally numbing) effect Paxil had.

And it doesn't help being in a relationship where I'm the emotionally stronger of the two. I let myself be everyone's go-to gal. I feel obliged to be the rock of Gibraltar for too many people. I don't express frustration until it's at critical mass but I let everyone dump their assorted (tedious, petty, trivial) woes on me. My kids I expect to have this kind of relationship with. Other adults, no. It needs to be give and take and not one person doing the lion's share of either. Rereading this, I sound like a not-so-silent martyr and that annoys me. I feel shame for my negative attitude. That's what I mean about equal and opposing demands. Sometimes it seems like you can't win for losing.