Still fighting this depression bout. I got my period after eight months without it. I've read that if I go without it for an entire year it means I'm actually in menopause. Well, I've been dealing with menopausal issues for about five years already, so does that put me back to square one? I hope not. The most difficult part is that I'm so darn self-conscious. My self-esteem, never great, has just completely bottomed. It didn't help that I lost a lucrative long-term writing assignment with no explanation besides "not a good fit."  What's that supposed to mean? I wrote a long, involved piece, well, I thought. It hit every criteria. So in my menopausal/PMS/ sensitivity (which ironically is what the articles are about) I immediately assume that I'm an utter screw up. I can't shake that notion. I just can't see the forest for the trees. I wish someone would just say that I'm no good. Then I could maybe I would start sticking up for myself and stopping finding fault with everything I do. Honestly, I feel like Eve White/Eve Black sometimes. I wish Jane would show up.



Maybe I'll never find my niche. Maybe I've already found it and I just need to embrace it and run with it. I think it's time I start trusting that inner voice I always tell others to follow. I think it's time I slowed down and started taking better care of myself like I'm always preaching. It's 11:30 p.m. and I've been working since 9 a.m. I took breaks to feed the family. That's not a life, it's drudgery. And I've no one to blame but myself. I wish I could be as nice to myself as I am to others. Dear God that sounds kitschy, but it's apt. Well, good night, my amanuensis. Maybe tomorrow...
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